Marlon’s sick of these questions, yo.
Let’s start this week’s post off with a little disconcerting news: WeTV went ahead and gave Fake Twitter Follower Enthusiasts Rob and Remy Maaddi their own show. How droll. Despite OK Magazine’s jitbaggy fawning, this is nothing short of a reality-TV disgrace and utter proof that you can fake your way to the top. (By “top,” I mean have your famewhore-ery validated and accepted. Will no one think of the children, both real and imagined?) I guess I shouldn’t have expected much more from a network that allowed a tired-ass cell-phone storyline carry several weeks of a program.
Alright. On to this week’s episode which would have been the finale if that thing I read earlier in the season held true. But it’s not. It’s the second to last. Third to last if you include the finale which was filmed in NYC late last month. (Last episode and finale will air next week, thus pushing the next episode of Bridezillas off a week).
They start with Seth and Kirsten, who thinks she’s really changing thanks to #BZBootcamp.
Then, they go to the FTFEs. I won’t oblige by doing anything but fast-forwarding until they’re off.
Then, they go back to Byron and Porsha and the MFING CELL PHONE AGAIN. FAST-FORWARD. DUDE IS A CHEATER. WE ALL KNOW IT. JEEZ.
Back to the tough-questions drill for some confirmation or denyin’.
Debbie Gibson is askin’ Chris whether he trusts her. (Says he does).
FTFE FF.
Danni asks Marlon if he’s been inappropriate while DJing since they wed. (Says he hasn’t.)
Kirsten asks Seth if he wishes he’d never married her. (Says no.)
Cell-phoners FF.
Chris asks DG if she’s still attracted to him. (Yes.)
FTFE FF.
Seth asks if she still thinks he’s the one. (Yeah, but she wishes they had more money)
Cell-phoners FF.
AND OUT COMES THE LIE DETECTOR TEST. WOOT!!!! MAURY VIBE UP IN THIS PIECE, YO!!!
They show all them getting strapped in and wired up. The questions start. And Kirsten starts flipping out all tears and heavy panting and whatnot. And then Seth’s up and he doesn’t flip out.
Ooh, there’s a little bit of a cause when Chris is asked if he still trusts DG.
FTFEs: FF.
Cell-phoners: FF (which ends with Porsha saying she trusts Byron, which is a case study in denial evident by the replay of the two or three people with which he’s currently cheating; why are these people still on the show for fuck’s sake?)
TIME FOR THE BIG REVEAL!
Seth really wanted to marry Kirsten, is proud of himself as a husband and a dad. Kirsten thinks he’s doing good as parent and sensed deception when asked if “he’s the one.” She don’t care what the machine says. And that she’s scared about being hooked up to things.
FTFEs: FF.
Danni and Marlon up. Trust: there. Respect his gig? Well, it kinda is a hobby, says L.D. machine. He was never inappropriate at work and he passes with flying colors so she feels like she and he’s all that’s it with that question, yo.
Chris and DG up. She still finds him attractive, and they can have more children. (Happy moment!) Counselor points out that DG has a commitment to telling the truth no matter what the cost. Chris thinks this marriage WILL last forever.
Cell-phoners: FF.
After the commercial break they show Danni and FTFE (male) talking about how bidets wetten asses. Because FTFE (male) is so very cultured.
And then talk turns to booting cell-phoners out of the Boot Camp. FINAFUCKINLY. “Peace,” is what Cell-Phoner (male) says when he gets up out the living room. Harsh, says head counselor, but had to be done as they were a detriment to the others at Boot Camp for relational-repair purposes. Now, if only they cut bait on the FTFEs who’re at the manse to git themselves a spinoff show.
Here’s a photo of the post-cellphoners Boot Camp:
Anyway, now the remaining contestants are asked to remove their wedding rings, as they’ll now decide — with Boot Camp end nigh — whether their spouse is truly their soul mate. FTFE (female) starts bitchin about separation anxiety. Don’t worry, toots, you two are peas in a famewhoring pod; you’ll get that piece you bought on Jeweler’s Row back for safe keeping in the South Jersey mudsticks.
They split up by gender. Dames go off to their sleeping quarters. DG admits she’s had sex dreams about Dubya. FTFE (woman) says she doesn’t have sex dreams. (Famishness must be sexier).
Chris is all, like, lets set up pillows so it looks like we’re here.
This, because the dudes decided to head on out (real talk: FTFE — male — makes a good point that they were told they only have to SLEEP at the manse; not that they couldn’t go out; point, FTFE male, who says he’s not into sleepovers with dudes before he puts on his goin’-out makeup base).
Well, it doesn’t take long until the dames realized the guys set up the sex dolls in the role of prison-cell-pillows for an escape.
This may be the first time all these folks seemed real. Until Chris — who is presented to the bartender as a parolee — starts talking about wanting a wine cooler. What’s up with that, bro? Good thing the DVR cut off posthaste.