Bridezilla Krystal is a baller. She, her nose ring and half-dozen crucifixes were all, like, to groom-to-be, If you miss this shot on the court, you’re gonna do, like, 60 situps or pushups or whatever. Don’t remember. I was too mesmerized by the Mr. T-like Christ display.
She’s also somewhat cunty insofar as she “guesses” that cervical cancer is enough of an excuse for her “selfish” wedding planner to be working kinda slow. “Karma’s a bitch,” she says. “What goes around comes around.” This quote wasn’t directly in reference to the cancer, so, ok.
Only thing karma got going on right now is pairing Krystal with Stephanie’s episode, because within three minutes of airtime, she’s already an afterthought. This applies to when:
• She mocks the bridesmaids’ physiques (including the term “pudge.”)
• She does anything else during the rest of the show.
• Seriously, anything she does is an afterthought.
• Even when she shows up at the dry cleaners (aka mom — with special eyebrows — and step daddy) asking for $400 cash money since “they haven’t done much to help me with the wedding.”
• However, her daddy Jerome, he seems pimp smoove with his jeff cap and all. So there’s that.
I wish Bridezilla Stephanie was on each and every one of the show’s final episodes. Because, Bridezilla Stephanie has set a new bar on batshit craycrayzilla (Exhibit A. Exhibit B.)
It tore me up to be on vacation when this here third appearance aired last week.
And it pleased me to no end that WeTV returned to the scene of stripping and dancing and tequilaing and fighting with drag queening. (She just grabbed the wig and she guesses “the person” was offended.)
“DRAG QUEEN BITCHES!” Stephanie yells as her aunt refastens her bustier to sorta cover most of the teet meat.” Then, there’s this scene:
That’s titzilla screaming about drag queens and getting threatened with institutionalization (“I DON’T CAYYYYYRRRRRRE!!!!!”) I wouldn’t care about much anything either, if a drag queen whooped my azz, so it’s understandable.
“I can’t believe you got hit so hard your boobs fell out,” is what hubby-to-be mentions to his hungover eye-apple. So basically, “victim” Stephanie has gotten away with whipping her titties out at tha club to the point that her friends thought a Girl Interrupted outcome was best.
Fast forward to the tattoo parlor where the pair is getting one another’s names inked on one another. Fun fact: The one on her back already says Bradley. Dude’s name is Chris. Whatever. Love is blood pain and that’s how tha titzilla rolls.
Tattoo Artist Curtis notes that he doesn’t think name ink is good, but that it’s a business plus what with all the name-tat removal work that comes along with such decisions.
At this point, Titzilla then says that she wants her friend Krupp to get his taint waxed (she calls it a “gooch.”) Krupp then sips some red wine before the joint taint-waxing ceremony.
Here’s a picture of Krupp getting his taint waxed:
“I feel violated,” says bridesmaid Krupp after getting his taint waxed.
Anyway, Titzilla’s daddy don’t think she really loves Chris or whatever his name is, which is why he opted not to cover the costs of the impending nuptials. Nuptials, mind you, that are taking place in a high-school gymnasium. Maybe a grammar school, actually. Or maybe it’s a church-school gym. Hell if I know.
Kinda distracted by Titzilla in a Robe Knocking Trees Over and Trippin’ About Missing Cupcakes. That, and how Chris found out what REALLY happened at the bachelorette party. Namely, going topless. In front of erbody (blurred photo here).
Here she is crytalkin’ to daddy just before a ceremony for which groom commitment is not yet confirmed:
Anyway, Daddy showed up. Chris showed, too. As did shorn-tainted bridesmaid Krupp, who wore a red dress shirt. And a minister who looks like Rob Reiner. This, despite the fact that her breastuses ain’t hanging out the gown.
I believe this is the first moment, in three not-long-enough episodes, in which they’re covered. So much for the sanctity of marriage. Thankfully, she had some event-inappropriate attire for the reception.
God is good.