Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas Vol. 6 of 8

This here is the first episode of Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas since they filmed the reunion episode up in NYC last weekend. Judging by the Tweets of involved parties, it seems as if the crew has broken into two factions: 1) Danni, Debbie Gibson, Marlon and Chris 2) Kirsten, Seth, Rob, Remy, Porsha and, to a lesser extent, Byron.

So, if you’re gonna watch #BZBootCamp, keep that in mind as the intra-relations develop these last couple of episodes.

Anyway, the previews of this here episode seem to indicate Byron’s done gonna get caught as a cheater, and the rest of the folks are gonna go to a sex shop and end up with fuckdolls over which’s heads the faces of the boot campers will be placed.

Remember that clown doll from Poltergeist, the one that haunted many kids’ dreams from ’83ish on? Yeah, that’s what a sex doll of Fake Twitter Follower Enthusiasts Rob and Remy Maaddi will do to the junk-TV weened children of America.

They pick up with all that static from last week, and then show Byron rolling back into the house after a night in the hospital. Instantaneously, one of the guards says he thinks Byron’s dark secrets are part of what stuck his arm with an IV line. He tells the guard that he talked to his mama and came clean to her. Aw.

Anyway, these freaks start feeling their fuckdolls up and then those of their partners. When asked to put their hand on their partners’ favorite body parts, a whole lot of titties and manmeat were grabbed, along with hearts (bullshit, you fake-ass gloryhounds) and thighs (really, Chris and DG?). Then we got Kirsten and Seth talking about how they don’t talk about their sex lives and it’s at this point when I start thinking they should rename this show the Castration Hour.

Oh, anyway, Byron’s copping to cheating all over the place with a variety of ladyfriends and Porsha ain’t jump out the chair or anything. Which lends to the theory that either 1) she knew all along and was prepared for said reveal or 2) this stuff is scripted in a fashion that’d land certain Boot Camper(s) a spinoff show.

They fixate on Byron’s phone again. On and on and on to the point where the fast-forward button is pressed because, c’mon WeTV, we’ve had six weeks of this phone shit now. He is a cheater. Admittedly. Let’s move on to the other couples. Or something. Even if we’re going to buy into the whole Porsha/Byron not being there under sideshow pretenses, and feel Porsha’s pain when she wonders whether she was the reason why he strayed, enough’s enough.

In true be-careful-what-you-wish-for irony, we’re onto what turns the ladies of the house on. Luckily, once we get past the whole “Big Board of Turnons” …

… Chris and Debbie Gibson start talking about how they used to roleplay, sometimes in costume, and Chris is all, like, sometimes I was Juan, other times Enrique — to the point that they have 36 costumes. So FTFE Rob is all like, how about roleplay like you can please your wife, and he breaks out an acronym about after-orgasm affection.

Because a man who wears makeup has any room to advise men on their sackabilities.

So anyway, they got a table of products — sexual and edible — to take back to their rooms for a night of bangin’. But Debbie Gibson’s all like, yo, they ain’t got shit here. Let’s go off to the sexshop to get some REAL toys, nahmean? And off they went.

Kirsten’s talking about vibrators now. And FTFE Rob and Remy are calling Chris and DG out as kinky freaks. OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THEY CUT BACK TO BYRON AGAIN. He’s in the house while all the others are out on their field trip. Fuck, man. Fast-forward again.

Ok, back to the sexy shop. Fun fact: David Carradine was a regular at this particular sex shop, this Susie’s Delights.

We got dildos and ass-play aides and glow-in-the-dark vibrating cock rings and, like, pink hats or something. Danni says something to the effect that Kirsten ain’t the prude she portrays herself as. And FTFE Rob seems to think he’s the only man in human history to have been nice to a woman after they’ve had sexual relations. Yeah, bro. You’re a superstar.

You know, after the whole Bridezillas/Divorce Court/#BZBootCamp trifecta, I figured Kirsten and Seth would find themselves right atop my Can’t Stand Watching List.

Yet, here we are, with two or three weeks left and they’re so vastly superior, from a viewing perspective, than FTFEs Rob and Remy and Porsha and Byron, I’m going to ponder whether my reality-TV judgement instincts are still up to snuff.