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Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
At the onset of this latest episode of Bridezillas, newbie Bridezilla Amanda of Ocala, Fla. compares herself to a lizard (in the looks department) and threatens to torch everyone and everything. Her captive husband-to-be Steven (I think, but too lazy to rewind) says they’ve almost gotten arrested a few times and that he fears for his future but, you know, in a loving way.
Dig this Amanda despite the extensive neck and upper-chest-tat work. I wonder how long it is until she has a tear-drop tattoo and whether it’ll go at the corner of her right or left eye?
She also lied about being pregnant when she was looking at four-figure jewelry. He sees through this ruse based on the fact that she was drinking the other night and what mama-to-be drinks when she’s knocked up?
Fun fact learned at the dress fitting: Amanda’s sister’s name/maid-of-honor is Jomanda.
There is a conversation about how she can’t wear a veil over her face since she’s not of virginal status. She seems to be a little touched, as in phraseology doesn’t match up with logical sentences or clauses.
For example, talking about hamsters in relation to Jomanda’s intellectual abilities. Something about horses, too. And how she’s “gonna rip her bald.” And now she’s crying hysterically about being overwhelmed by wedding planning by herself and smashes her phone.
Oh, Jomanda has her name tattooed on her left teet. So you know who’s teet it is.
Anyway, now Steven’s doing Amanda’s extensions or something and they look bad like they’re doll hair and he’s using a flat iron. “I smell like a burning baby dolls,” she says.
I have no friggin idea what any of this means. Maybe you will.
Should you not burn dolls? If not, why not? That seems like a really arbitrary rule. In fact, if anybody knows anybody involved with Honey Boo Boo Show production, pass this idea along: An episode on which HBB just torches any doll she can get her meaty paws on. Laughing. Speaking in tongues. That kind of thing.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Oh, horrible Bridezilla Joraine‘s back on. She runs counter to all that’s likeable regarding Bridezilla Amanda.
She says she fell in love with her man four years after he fell in love with her, how she could “call it all off” on a moment’s notice and taunts him at the bowling alley.
She also says she’ll cancel the “suck this” black-cock wedding cake if he gets a mani/pedi. When he falls asleep in the chair, she gets his toes done all girly.
She also assaults him with clippers since he looks like a peeping-tom stalker/Chia Pet/her dad and he’s gonna get his hair cut “one way or the other.”
She keeps talking about how her wedding’s going to be better than everyone else’s wedding but what she fails to realize is that every other wedding that has — or will — ever taken/take place is already superior, what with Joraine’s non-involvement.
There is very, very, veryveryvery little to like about this one here, who calls herself “Satan’s spawn.”
Case in point: She’s eating in the car, saying she’s so stressed out that she can’t eat and when whatever his name is points out that “It ain’t stopping you,” she turns all frigid like, oh, you want to make fat jokes now? Self-introspection skill-set, non-existent.
When the seating chart doesn’t get to the venue in time, she says she feels “like a zookeeper at the zoo.” Then she freaks out screeching in the parking lot as whatever his name is carries a rolled-up rug.
And then he tries to wear sneakers to the wedding so she, again, freaks out. Throwing things. Screaming things. Reinforcing her horrible-person status one millisecond at a time. Then she gets married during a ceremony in which her husband can’t read his hand-written vows, before a reception at which whatever his name is takes a big-ass fall on the dance flo, so drunk that he feels like he’s on Cloud Nine, saying there’s going to be “some payoff” at night’s end, in which “payoff” means tapping his new bride’s ass. Perfect ending.