And so it was written that the contestants on Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas would assemble in New York City — before a live studio audience who responded to the free-ticket offer — for a reunion special months after they walked out of the #BZBootCamp mansion, marriages reinforced.
Noticeable differences: Debbie Gibson done dyed her hair, Fake Twitter Follower Remy Maaddi got knocked up and evictee Porsha is projecting the failures — via kneejerk anger — onto the other women.
Welcome to the Miscarriage and/or Let’s Bitch About The Social-Media-Behavior-Of-Others’ Hour!
There’s all sort of drama about emails and back-channel communications about miscarriage alerts between Remy and Danni.
Jitbag Rob questions why Danni didn’t call if she was so worried about FTFE Remy.
This transitions into Chris calling out Kirsten and Seth’s pregnancy or something or other. Which leads Seth to equate Chris to a “neutered cat” and “Ken doll” because he’s all tough online but not off.
Then, Porsha starts bitching about a Debbie Gibson Facebook status update and Chris’ Twitter behavior. I suppose these are the things one has time to worry about when they can’t even fake their way through a gimmicky TV show as efficiently as the man faked his way though the married life.
Attention then turns to the guys heading out partying on BZBootCamp’s penultimate night; specifically, FTFE Rob grinding up on Jame Gumb with tits. He looks so purty on the Reunion Special with the makeup job for which he didn’t need WeTV’s makeup crew; he claims that he got Jame Gumb with Tits’ phone number for whomever didn’t renew their vows (Chris — that drunken narc — he intimates).
When they ask Porsha what would have happened whether Byron would’ve gone out with then, she says he wouldn’t have gotten a ring; the logical leap from there, of course, is that lap-dance recipient Gumb would NOT have had tits. Because, rumors. And, the fact that he only says he’s cheated with “people” not “women.”
AND THEN BYRON TALKS ALL ABOUT HOW HE GOT DIAGNOSED WITH SICKLE CELL BEFORE HE GOT KICKED OUT THE MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP.
“At that age? Sorry, no way buddy,” said a medical professional I know the minute that big reveal was uttered. (So, this whole thing’s about race now. Cool.)
Debbie Gibson’s all, like, IDGAF because I ain’t gonna see any of these people ever again. And roomy Porsha’s all, like, I don’t believe Debbie Gibson’s really a nurse or in nursing school or whatever.
Real talk: This is Porsha’s peak, her 15th minute, her Waterloo.
Realer talk: I hate Debbie Gibson’s dye job. C’mon.
Oh, sweet: Now Porsha’s talking about miscarriages. So, we’ve gone from cell-phone fixations to fetal complications. Pretty good show planning. Really have their fingers on the pulse of the American-TV viewing audience.
Oh snap: They bring lie-detector dude back out to give Byron or whatever a second chance to prove he loves his possibeard, er, Porsha. He declines. She waves divorce papers in front of him. He rips said papers up. She pulls another set out of her pocket. He rips again; says he “can do this on my own.” She says she’ll forge his name. Because this is adult life-decision behavior.
Side note: This looks in no way like a legal document.
What’s become clear is that Porsha must have dirt on someone at WeTV, as they fixate on her even after she got kicked off the show. Fitting ending to a show built upon wasted opportunities, biting off the Maury vibe of backstage action at its climax rather than thinking for itself.
Oh wait, before the credits roll, they allow FTFE Remy to hold pathetic court on the benefits of the win-at-all-costs greed-fueled life. Because, spoiled South Jersey brat.
Thank God this is over.
–30–
