Sweet mother of mercy, not two seconds into this week’s Bridezillas, they show Bridezilla Taneema getting lifted up at Logan Square, which is actually a circle in Philadelphia. It’s right next to the Four Seasons. I pass it daily between the lad’s daycare and my office.
After not even two minutes — a span during which the previews show episode cohort Stephanie baring those tiddies that she’s so amply proud of that last episode was a study in Lady Plays With Ample Bosom — it becomes apparent that Taneema thinks she’s Four Seasons, but has more of a sensibility that meshes with the Embassy Suites across 18th St.
Her man Thomas notes, immediately, that “Taneema is crazy.” And that he feels “safer locked in a cage with a bear than I do in a room with her when she doesn’t get her way. You can’t show any weakness around her. If you do, your dead.”
In explaining this to his bride-to-be, he says she’s a wild animal. In watching this, I see North Philly. I also see multiple personalities.
When Taneema’s talking about how much weight she gon drop before the wedding — so that she will represent www.skinny.com — she picks up the phone to order some grub. Chicken Alfredo. “Extra sauce.” Then she explains how all she can afford is “pretzels and coffee.” The wedding gifts will be a “return on investment” to change this.
Free advertising alert: Their wedding was held Nov. 10 at Greater Exodus Baptist Church, right by Broad and Fairmount (or Ridge, since that runs through the intersection, also.)
As she’s designing the wedding invitation, she sidetracks into some porn perusal; well, less porn and more a bunch of topless black guys. This is foreshadowing. There will be topless black guys before this hour’s out, methinks.
Oh look, they’re looking for limos at the place down the hill and a few blocks down from my house!
Remember when Vader says he sensed Skywalker was in the vicinity during Return of the Jedi, but the Emperor didn’t, but — BAM — Luke was there and — POW — the rebellion overthrew the bad folks? I question the Force now, seeing that Bridezillas was within smelling distance of my front door and I didn’t pick up on it. Looks like Taneema gets a little aroused by these pricey limos, too.
This Thomas cat, he’s cool. And, my bride, sitting next to me during the preparation of this here Bridezillas recap, says that Taneema “is hilarious.”
“Struggling makes people stronger,” Taneema says as Thomas signs off on some extravagant limo cost.
From there, it’s onto the bachelorette party. She’s singing songs about penises (penii) of all varieties. Then, the stripper Hank arrives. They’re all doing shots in the kitchen as Hank goes upstairs to prep for the show. He takes a long while to get dressed (ironic, huh?) so Taneema’s screaming up the steps that he should hurry the hell up. She’s been waiting to see black cock for a while now and here comes Hank dressed as a road worker. Orange vest and yellow helmet.
Taneema implores Hank not to play with her breastuses “on camera” since she goes “to church.”
“He was a big man. Just a really, really big man,” she says of Hank’s manmeat which attendees proceed to compare to a “hoagie” or a “cheesesteak.”
Suffice it to say, everyone seemed quite satisfied with Hank’s performance.
Also, the wedding — which included some weird “tribute dance” straight out of a Grace Jones fever dream — and reception — in which a drill team escorts them into the room — were nice.
Taneema and Thomas’ wedding was so god-damn Philly that WeTV has made me forget that Rob and Remy were ever on this show. Philly rep restored. Woot.
Titsyzilla Stephanie is back. She’s talking to, and playing with them, again. Which is cool. Even if she’s batshit cray.
“I probably want to get married more than she does,” says the man of Stephanie. She then notes that marriage is really just a piece of paper.
WeTV should give his lady a show instead of those Fake Twitter Follower Enthusiasts Rob and Remy from Bridezillas: Marriage Boot Camp; this, because she’s not just famewhoring like those two. She’s genuinely nuts and people would tune the hell in. Real people, WeTV.
At the florist’s — which is her man’s aunt or something — she calls the flowers ugly and storms out. Huffing a cigarette in the parking lot, she calls fiance and blames his mammy for some sort of conspiratorial attack.
During a group dinner, her maid of honor refers to Titsanie as a “grown baby.”
Here she is when she takes her top off at a club of ill repute on Wedding’s Eve, an event at which she slugs both tequila (a lot of Patron, served in plastic cups) and dancers including drag queen Aarica she deems inferior from a stripping perspective.
“I’m wet. I’m dirty. I need to be cleaned up,” she declares.
Shame on WeTV for blurring.
Thankfully, with a third episode in the Titsanie Saga coming next week, there’s still time for more. I suspect it might even top the whole drag-queen scuffle at the end of this episode.
Real talk: This may have been the best hour in television history.