Bridezillas: Dekeydra and Amanda

We shouldn’t judge books by covers. This much is true. But if I was going to judge the Book of Bridezilla Dekeydra by its cover, the 12-word review would be as follows:

“Shut up. You’re lucky someone put a ring on your finger. Seriously.”

She describes herself as “loud, rude, mean, demanding, controlling [and] out-of-control” so “people better watch out.”

These people include Derrick, who’s all chill. Opposites attract, yes. But opposites also exploit. This is the situation here.

First scene: She’s looking at cakes. By looking at, I mean wholesale tasting and admitting that when stepmom’s around, all she’s thinking about is “money, money, money.” But money, money, money doesn’t convince B.K. to get banana nuts like Stepmom Moneybags* would like as they’re fave. (*She don’t look all that rich.)

“I will kill her,” says Stepmom Moneybags. “I will kill her.”

If I was on that jury, I’d hang the jury if my peers wanted to cut her loose.

Anyway, when she goes to the salon, she is told to “wait a hot second” as the stylist is currently styling another head. She actually chases the other client out of the chair.

This doesn’t go over well, but it afforded us the opportunity to meet stylist “Kash.” Here’s Kash:

Kash is a substantially better human being than Dekeydra. That’s why they showed her, I’ll bet.

She proceeds to harangue 12 bridesmaids to git on over here for their dress trying on thing; she’s willing to cull that pack, she says. When they’re lined up, she’s judging how they look in said dress. Which is to say she lashes out because there ain’t a one of ‘em she’d look better than in said dress.

“Is she going to make sure our vaginas are shaved, too?” asks bridesmaid Angelina after her armpits are inspected by the horrible person who she agreed to standby on her wedding day.

I wish horrible Bridezilla Dekeydra was a one-episode jawn. But alas, it wasn’t.

Anyway, Vowrenewazilla Amanda of Frisco, Texas is back on. She offers a 13-month timeline that indicates a wedding of a shotgun variety between a “barfly” — who exploited bar patrons for free drinks, which she says isn’t white trash but frugal — and the gentleman who planted seed in womb.

I guess that’s an accurate assessment. Unless the perpetrator is white trash.

So, she’s apparently trying to pit bestie-bridesmaids and maids-of-honor against one another.

“Yeah, they’re fighting over me,” she says. “Keep on fighting.”

If there’s a guidebook that breaks down “cunty vow-renewal preparation behavior,” this would have to be bottom half of the Top 10 offenses. The CVRPBist continues at the nail salon, too, because what says quality human being more than one who wants friends to fight for her good graces.

“I’m sick of everyone at this point,” says the one of whom everyone is likely sick at this point, before ordering champagne while her feet get did.

Then, she bitches about the dressing on a hoagie that her man hand-delivers to her at the salon. Then, she calls herself “platinum.” Then, she can’t pronounce “selflessly” properly. Which is funny.

During renewal preparation, she mentions who Lance Armstrong riding with “one ball” as motivation to proceed. In pink hotpants. Now, she’s worried about how the candies don’t match the tuxes, sashes and other formal wear involved in the affair. And pitting the lead renewamaids against one another, counting years of friendship and whatnot.

Again, why does Bridezillas allow mere vow-renewers — even moderately attractive ones — to appear on their esteemed program?

Are they trolling us?

Have they launched a War on Marriage?

If so, what’s their end game?