When they first show Bridezilla Joraine, she’s wearing a wedding gown and screaming into a phone. Then she says the theme of her wedding is “Better Than Yours.” She’s marrying — well, incarcerating and abusing — some guy named Mark. She’s talking about how they’ll never be torn apart unless she has to kill him or vice versa.
“She’s like a god to me,” says Mark who has no idea about how oppressive his life is about to become.
She tells him, while standing on him in a park in San Mateo or San Francisco, that she will always be on top and he will always do what she tells him to do. This includes shaming him for eating a lollypop and a Hershey’s Kiss, which she proceeds to physically rip out of his mouth and out it back in the wrapper.
“I think she’s out of line,” says maid of honor Mae. “She’s just so rude.”
Well duh. Tell you what I think, Mae: She’s going to claim Bridezillas edited to show to make her look worse than she is, but we’ll always know she’s rotten to the core.
She threatens to kill him if he’s drinking, having fun or has girls around at his bachelor party.
“If he’s dancing with a girl, I am going to punch him in the face, grab her by the hair, drag her across through dance floor,” says Joraine who is now being referred to as Miss Crazy Pants.
Then she ambushes his bachelor party — where he’s dancing with three ladies. Dancing and/or thinking about other girls is cheating, in her mind. And when you have shots at your bachelor party, you end up dancing with whores, in her mind. But Joraine’s all fucking talk in her veil and sash and cloaked in assholery.
No confronting ladies who would put a smackdown on her right there in front of the cameras. Instead, she orders him down to his feet outside tha club, to kiss them and beg for forgiveness. Which he does. Because Mark ain’t nothing but a bitch to her. Look:
When she requests a cock cake for the wedding because he “cheated” at the bachelor party, she says she prefers the “huge” variety. And “chocolate” which is “Mark’s favorite.” With “suck this” written on the cake because she thinks “this is appropriate.”
“It will be just as humiliating for him as it was for me that night,” says Joraine, who proceeds to try and force a piece of what’s going to be black-cock pastry into his mouth. When she tries to feed him the black cock, she pours water on his head and chases with a rolling pin.
She shames her bridesmaids’ appearance. Then, she forces them to do some stupid fucking dance for the wedding.
And tries to shame her man during the wine-tasting session but it don’t seem like she knows much about wine either so she smacks him in the face.
There’s no walking this kind of crazy back. This guy is trapped and destined for either addiction or prison, which will seem like the only rational options by 2015.
Oh, so Bridezilla Dekeydra‘s back. Horrid inside and out. And she’s demanding gifts when they go out to eat dinner, a meal for which she demands Derek order for her. In Italian.
When the food arrives, she orders boxes to take it home since Derek wasn’t romantic enough. And she was likely uncomfortable when the meal wasn’t delivered a la feedbag per normal procedure.
Fun fact: She can’t properly pronounce the word “motto” and Bridezillas makes sure you know this about what the maid of honor calls the “Queen Bride Bitch” as she sends her out from the salon to fetch Mexican food. While food is being fetched, Dekeydra causes a fuss with the titsy nail-salon nail lady about rhinestones.
Then she’s yapping at “head bridesmaid” Angelina for being “34 minutes late” for the makeup tryout. There is a discussion about how since Dekeydra threw her dress off the deck means that Dekeydra has to pay for the dress repairs. But not in Dekeydra’s mind.
“You’re not a good makeup artist,” says Dekeydra of her “tranny” lashes.
“You’re not a good anything,” says Angelina who “cannot handle her anymore.”
Angelina then drops her eyeshadow because Dekeydra’s being a bitch. Dekeydra’s all like, whatever, leave the bridal party then.
“She doesn’t give a fuck about me, I don’t give a fuck about her,” says Angelina, who storms off.
Oh, this is what Dekeydra looks like when Angelina mentions how she “looks healthy.” As in well-fed and roomy. At their bridesmaids gathering night before the wedding:
Then Dekeydra tries to beat dat ass but they all break that scream/cryfest fight up. With the biggun storming off saying how she ain’t gon apologize for nuthin.
Wedding morning: She’s wearing a periwinkle hoodie and demanding Angelina apologize still. But since she needs Angelina to get her looking less pockmarked, she caves in, talks nice and gets married with a reception at which she wanted bartenders to charge guests for drinks. Fin.