It seems like yesterday when the first season of Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas filled Philly Blunt’s world with joy, courtesy of some decent people and others who bought Twitter followers to make themselves feel more important than they are.
But it was a whole bunch of months ago and tonight, we launch into a whole new season. They start off the season with a “Meet the Couples” episode. And instantly, we see Philly up in this jawn in the form of Shaun and Sofia. This should be fun.
So anyway, this post’ll probably just be general bios of the folks who’ll inhabit 10 or so blog posts over the next couple months. Let the judgmentalism commence!!!
Couple No. 1: Bridezilla Gloria and Victim Mark.
I never wrote about them before. Probably for the best since Gloria is presented as a knife-wielding lady who serves raw meat. In the flashback, she’s threatening to call the cops if her mom shows up at the wedding, an event for which she hacked off her own hair. She’s called a total bitch. Not sure this’ll be disputed.
Per Mark, she’s actually gotten worse since her turn on Bridezillas. The nagging, in particular.
They proceed to show clips of her nagging, during which Mark admits to slowplaying his reaction time to Gloria’s orders.
Also per Mark, they don’t bang as much as he’d like. Gloria gets to talking about her vagina needs air because it’s unhealthy if a vagina isn’t given time to breathe.
She also requests that he set a timer on his phone to remind him to compliment her often.
Couple No. 2: Mai-Lee and Tomas.
She was an angry one. Oh my, was she ever. Really pushy, too, per Tomas, who I recall as being pretty cool n’shit.
They were on the show in September. Of 2013. Six months ago. Six. Months. (Granted, they don’t shoot these shows live, but dear lawd that’s still a quick jump from altar to Marriage Boot Camp.
Tomas is seeking a second opinion, confirmation that his bride is crazy.
Oh, they have a kid. And, Mai Lee wants some sort of tracking device on him. Tomas. Not the kid. The kid’s probably already been embedded with a GPS chip. She’s a tempest in a teabag. I see some prostitution-whore style table flippin’ coming down the line. Especially since Tomas said he might as well cheat on her since she’s always accusing him of doing so, accusations accompanied by threats of torching everything in sight should this ever happen.
Couple No. 3: Blanca and Julian.
I remember these two. Specifically, how she wanted the wedding cake to say “BJ” on the top. Also, her ample bosom. That rang a bell, too.
They show these two scream fighting in the commercial. And flipping a table.
They show a clip of Julian getting his ass waxed while Blanca taunts him. That must have been fun.
Kinda like these two. Think that their talk’s more bluster than they feel in their respective hearts (even when they get into a fight because he asked her to get him a towel when he was in the shower).
Who knows, though, what with them being on Marriage Boot Camp this soon after the nuptials.
When the subject of kids comes up, she says she already has one: Her husband who shortly thereafter mentions that his ass is currently wet, while sitting on the couch.
“There are people who are bi-polar,” says Julian, who reminds me of an off-Broadway version of Stallone’s foe in ‘Over The Top.’ “I live with someone who’s tri-polar.”
Nice.
Anyway, I’m gonna lay some spoiler alert down already: These two shouldn’t even be here. They gon’ make it through.
Couple No. 4: Sofia and Shaun.
Yes, two years of MBC: Bridezillas; two years of unbearable Philly couples. I apologize, Merica, but we’re not all like this.
Sofia was all, like, get these cameras out of my face. But, here she is, signed up for more cameras in her face six months later.
When they show them in today-mode, Shaun’s coming home from the gym and Sofia is wearing a bustier or something similar while folding laundry on the couch. They say their relationship’s gotten worse since marriage. Has something to do with how he rubs an ex-ladyfriend from L.A. in her face all the time or something. Difficult to follow.
Shaun starts talking about how he was a goofy looking kid so now he’s all buff and loves it.
I think they live pretty close to me. From what they show of their house, I sense Mt. Airy, but could be wrong.
Whatever. I’m too busy contemplating piercing my ear drums so I don’t have to listen to Sofia bitch about the L.A. girl again.
Godspeed, meatbag Shaun.
Couple No. 5: Tasha and Jeff.
They of the three-episode run in the summer of ’12. (1, 2, 3.)
She got knocked up a couple days into wedded bliss. Both would have preferred a little bit of lead time before being parents. They fight nonstop. She’s already filed papers. He wants to go MBC to help their daughter grow up in a stable environment. The kid’s name is Dallas. She lives with Tasha’s parents now.
She says she’s the victim. She doesn’t say that she loves him. So, it makes perfect sense why they got married in the first place. Because now parents have to play counsellor.
Tasha, she’s probably the worst person in the past two seasons of this show, if not television history.
Can’t wait to watch Tasha — mental toddler that she is — melt down over the course of the next 10 or so weeks.