It doesn’t take but 20 seconds of the season-ahead tease to see that this year’s crop of Marriage Boot Campeteers is yelley screamy broey broettey. Amped it up from last year. Bent a wee bit more toward the Tool Academy presentation.
We’ll see.
Philly’s out of the limo at the mansion first. Sofia and Shaun. Married “4? 5?” months, per Shaun. Sofia is wearing huge blue-ish earrings. Kinda match Shaun’s bro-T. Look:
She thinks anger’s the biggest hurdle they face as a team. They show a bunch of fighting, nagging, backsassing clips. The way they look at the inside of the mansion, there’s a gleam of yo, maybe we really can make some coin out of this ‘experience’ in each of their eyes.
Tomas and Mai-Lee are up. Five months. “Our marriage is on the rocks,” says Mai-Lee. “Because of Tomas.”
She then notes that he needs to get fixed. They’re either going to like the other couples or not. Whatever. Soon, they meet meatbag and the missus.
She proceeds to say, in another locale, that Sofia looks like a tramp and Shaun’s hair is not to be touched.
Blanca and Julian. Year and a half. He says something that had to be bleeped out. He’s a realist: Five crazy Bridezillas. That’s what he’s in for. She seems to have it together. Like an off-Broadway Silky.
Finally, Tasha and Jeff. The showpieces. They who’ll get a bulk of the camera time. She already filed divorce papers. She’s diagnosing the other guests.
Philly Meatbag is pounding drinks. Gets noticed. First night, though. C’mon.
Oh, wait, there’s another couple. I don’t remember them from an earlier episode. Gloria. Mark. Thanks, WeTV for pointing it out. Gloria’s hatin on Blanca. Blanca’s hatin back.
Gloria’s gonna be the unliked one, but then she sidles up to someone who’s either weaker or needs some team play, if the house goes that clique-y way.
Here comes the rub. Outside the house. Called to a “party.” Movie-screen slideshow of happy times. Aw. Hammer’s gon’ fall soon though. Porsha’s brought back big-screen to smack talk. They’re gonna get Thunderdomed, but with widely-broadcast words. Cold-blooded shit, yo.
Like, Tasha says sometimes, you know, Jeff can’t even get it up.
Mai-Lee is a “dream crusher.”
Sofia said Shaun can’t stand to see her stupid face. He laughs. Maybe she is a victim here. Meatbag, man. Blanca thinks Blanca is perfect; Julian always caves in; when Julian caves in, it embiggens her. Jeff lives in a sexless prison.
This is the best gig that Porsha got out of last season?
The rooms are tagged with their cruel words. All of em. Pretty damn good idea, boot-camp sergeants.
Meatbag and Sofia are fighting at 1 a.m. Gloria calls him a bully and drama queen. Poll comes up on the screen. Are you #TeamGloria or #TeamShaun? (Yeah, amped the show up the Tool Academy way). Sixty-seven went former.
Jeff is a willing captive. Seriously. He married, and immediately impregnated, a horrible person.
Boot Camp Sergeants out now. They do that Brickyard thing. Grab a brick. Hate on yo partnah for things like trust and communication and compromise.
Mark or whatever his name is could end up being a hitter.
Jeff left a half hour after Tasha gave birth? Well, he’s just as horrible as she is, but she’s a little less horrible than before that story was shared.
Seems like Blanca and Julian are closer to being here for famewhoring than Sofia and Meatbag. Mai-Lee and Tomas are gonna fly under the radar the whole time, I reckon.
Now they’re all going into the pool. Bricks in crates, they must hold. Not all can for as long as others.
Something about balloons and report cards. Blah. Shaun’s an angry drunk. Blah. Mai-Lee is self-absorbed and jealous. Blah.
Gloria’s hurtful. Whatever his name is’s hair-trigger. This could get ugly.